After an unusually wet spring, the yard has been besieged by acorns.  When I’m not dodging a torrent of nuts hauling ass from 100 feet at a rate of 32 feet per second-squared, I’m precariously walking on a sheet of acorns not unlike a frozen pond.  These are treacherous days in the yard, indeed.

But squirrels are not in short supply.  So what’s the problem here?


It’s apparent to this dude that my local squirrels have become lazy and spoiled, no doubt an uninspired lot resulting from generations of nut wealth.  I have a solution.

Since Mexican squirrels are willing to do the work that American squirrels won’t do, I propose a one-time amnesty for all Mexican squirrels currently here out-of-status.  After seven years of acorn removal services and no criminal infractions, the out-of-status squirrels will be provided a reasonable path to citizenship.

Careful analysis demonstrates an adequate food supply and nesting options for the influx of squirrels while the accrued population density and rodent shit will be of negligible consequence, thus resulting in a net-benefit for the yard.


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