Just Don’t Call Them Dumb

October 29, 2010

Don’t call teabaggers dumb.  They don’t like that.  Besides, it’s an inadequate adjective.

This cartoon does a pretty good job summarizing teabaggers.   Unfortunately, though, teabaggers are caught in a Catch-22: they are too dumb to understand how dumb they are.   It’s a horrible self-perpetuating cycle.  And, therefore, it’s no surprise that Reich-Wingers want to eliminate the Dept. Of Education.  All that liberal, elitist, stewpid book larnin’ and whatnot.

Instead of calling the ‘baggers dumb, I suggest using the more comprehensive description used in this cartoon: “painfully ignorant, bigoted fuck-turds.”


Speaking of dumb and teabaggers (redundant??), Jon Stewart’s Rally To Restore Sanity is on Saturday in D.C.  The Huffington Post has a collection of signs that will be seen at the rally and also has a template to make your own.  There are a bunch of witty signs at the website.

When teabaggers see these signs, they will have a sense that they are being mocked, but probably won’t be able to actually identify what specifically the mockery is.  They remind me of a quote from The Hangover: “You are literally too dumb to insult.”

I Went To An Anger Management Class And A Game Of Irony Broke Out

October 28, 2010


1 /ˈaɪrəni, ˈaɪər-/ Show Spelled[ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-] Show IPA –noun, plural -nies.

1.the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.

A couple of weeks ago a chick from Bellevue was at her anger management class when she … wait for it … stabbed another girl with a knife.

According to the Seattle Times article:

Speaking with officers, the alleged victim said she was seated in the classroom watching an anger management video when Maradiaga started complaining about the video.

“(The victim) told the suspect that the video was good and to give it a chance,” the Bellevue officer said in court documents. “The suspect responded by saying, ‘Bitch, (expletive) you, I know you ain’t talking to me.'”

The officer noted that the victim responded in kind, telling Maradiaga, “Bitch, I know you ain’t talking to me.”

And then little Miss Maradiaga stabbed her.

I particularly like how both women said, “Bitch, I know you ain’t talking to me.”  It’s like a formal, 21st century,  ghetto acknowledgment of an impending duel.

“Pardon me, ma’am, but I do feel my honor has been impugned and request redress of dignity.”

“Indeed, Mistress.  Decorum of Common Law demands fair consideration and I accept your request for august comeuppance.”

I love irony.  Not so much the contrived, pretentious kind, like the yuppie in the pink Polo drinking cheap beer at the bar.  No, not that kind.  Those people — and their irony — suck.  I like organic, spontaneous, unwitting irony.  Like the angry chick in Bellevue.  This amuses me greatly and reminds me how entertaining life is.

The poopdeck awards Angry Irony Chick a 5 poop salute.

Dead-Eye Dick

October 26, 2010

Biggus Dickus photographed in his natural state of being

As Halloween approaches, this seems like a good time to talk about Dick Cheney.

You surely recall five years ago when Dead-Eye Dick Cheney shot his hunting partner in the face.  It was said at the time that The Dick was good friends with his victim – er, hunting partner – and he did not shoot the man, in fact, because he’s a lawyer.  We were told it was an accident that could happen to anyone, they were good friends, and Cheney was sincerely sorry and contrite for the tragic accident.  Besides, we were told, the injuries were quite minor.

It turns out, surprising no one, that the Cheney White House was lying.  Shocking, I know.  Apparently Dick’s prey, Harry Wittington, barely knew Cheney, never received an apology, almost died from the incident, and talks with a speech impediment due to the lead shot that crushed his larynx.

Unfortunately Dead Eye Dick received five deferments from the Vietnam War because, according to him, he “had other priorities in the 60’s than military service.”  Had the war-hawk Cheney discovered his patriotism and sense of duty at that time, perhaps he would have learned how to properly use a firearm and not assaulted his buddy with a deadly weapon.

In perhaps the most bizarre combination and perversion of victim-blaming and Stockholm Syndrome seen since Auschwitz, Whittington actually apologized – apologized!! – to Dear Dick for recklessly putting his face in front of Cheney’s shotgun.  According to the article I linked, “After the shooting, Whittington issued a statement saying he and his family were ‘deeply sorry’ for ‘all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through.’”

I nominate this for the What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?! Award of the year.  I’m curious if Whittingham also apologized to the tragically misunderstood and victimized Senator Larry Craig, too.  “Larry, I’m totally sorry I put my ass in front of your johnson when you had that wide stance in the bathroom stall.  It’s my fault for bending over and I apologize for all the trouble I caused you.  I had no idea Bible-thumping, homophobic senators aren’t supposed to sodomize other guys.  It’s my fault for letting you pound me in the ass.”

But I digress.  Let’s get back to Dickles McShootYouInTheFace.

Since magnanimous Patriot Dick was too busy sending our soldiers to the Middle East to apologize to Whittington, I’ve constructed the dialogue that would have happened had Cheney not been so darn busy loving America.

(Cheney calls Harry from his bunker in an undisclosed location): “Hello?  Harry?  Uh, hey, it’s Dick.  What?  No, not asshole.  It’s Dick.  So, uh, yeah, hey dude.  I just wanted to say I’m sorry I shot you in the face.  It’s just that you have a really small head and I thought you were a pheasant.  And I’m, like, really old and I drink a lot.  No hard feelings, ok?  I’d appreciate it if you keep quiet about this and take one for the team.  We’re fighting for our freedom, ya know, and we can’t be distracted by this while we try to kill Muslims.  Thanks a bunch, buddy.”

Juan Gone!

October 22, 2010

I'm afraid of Muslims but I'm not a bigot

Today NPR fired long-time journalist Juan Williams.  Williams, appearing on the FOX program The O’Reilly Factor, expressed anti-Muslim bigotry while trying to defend similar comments made by O’Reilly on The View.  Said Williams, “But when I get on a plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous.”  And in his best Glenn Beck form, Williams qualified his statement with a declaration that he is not a bigot.

NPR had previously complained about Williams’ comments on FOX and asked that he stop using the NPR name while on the FOX network.

According to NPR, it is a contractual violation for employees to voice their personal opinions.  That’s right, folks, NPR is not FOX.

The right-wing echo chamber has been aflutter since Williams’ firing claiming, among other reasons, a violation of First Amendment Rights.  And, as usual, the echo chamber demonstrates a remarkable ignorance of the Constitution they claim to adore.  Freedom of Speech, of course, pertains to the government infringing the speech of citizens.  But who needs details like that when there’s faux outrage to be had?

Several weeks ago CNN fired radio anchor Rick Sanchez for anti-semitic remarks made on the air.  In an attempt to ridicule Daily Show host Jon Stewart, who is Jewish, Sanchez resorted to the ol’ Jews contol the media slur: “Very powerless people… [snickers] He’s such a minority, I mean, you know [sarcastically]… Please, what are you kidding? … I’m telling you that everybody who runs CNN is a lot like Stewart, and a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart, and to imply that somehow they — the people in this country who are Jewish — are an oppressed minority? Yeah. [sarcastically]

When Sanchez was fired there was nary a peep from the echo chamber; however, when Williams was fired conservative America went apoplectic.  Why the outrage over one incident and not the other?  The only difference is the minority group that was the object of the bigotry.  Oh.  Oops.  I get it.

Lost amidst the red meat furor of the righteously indignant folks in red state America is genuine discussion of the issue.  A trusted news organization like NPR has a responsibility to its audience to ensure that their employees are going to be professional and objective.  *IF* that trust is broken, or if the audience has doubts about the reporter, it damages the product by damaging the news source’s credibility.  NPR would delegitimize itself by retaining Williams after his bigoted comments.

Expect Reich-Wing politicians to revive the bogus and antiquated rhetoric of the “liberal” NPR.  These politicians will call for federal de-funding of NPR (ie, Corporation for Public Broadcasting).  But fret not.  When Republicans tried to turn NPR and PBS into conservative propaganda outlets when Bush was president, they failed miserably for which the mastermind, Kenneth Tomlinson, was fired.  Moreover, and completely lost on conservatives, NPR receives only about two-percent of its funding from the federal government.

And weep not for Juan Williams.  Immediately following his bigoted statements, FOX was inspired to reward him with a new 3-year, $2 million contract.  Williams has earned his stripes and is now officially one of them.

We give Juan Williams an unregrettable shove off the poopdeck.

Absence Explained

October 20, 2010

We apologize for our recent absence from the blogosphere.  We’ve been catching up on some sleep here at the poopdeck but will return with more cyber-shit soon.

Today’s Darwin Award

October 7, 2010

An Arizona woman mistakenly put superglue in her eyes thinking the bottle was eye drops.  And, yup, you guessed it: the superglue worked as advertised.

Says the woman who glued her eyes shut, “The bottles are identical and I am not young anymore, but I am not senile.”  No, you’re not senile; you’re dumb.

Apparently there’s a somewhat clinical term for this mishap that is generously euphemistic: “superglue ocular injuries.”

Someone should tell GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell that there’s a far more likely explanation for blindness.

I’m A Bigot And I Support This Ad

October 6, 2010

I love racist humor.  I love ethnic humor, gender humor, religious humor, regional humor, and pretty much any cultural humor that paints with a broad brush.  I like it because I find it to be intrinsically satirical.  The absurdity of stereotypes seems to be an ironic lampoon of the person speaking.  It’s as if the joke is mocking itself.  I like this.  But I’ve come to realize that my entire prism is cut with the (apparently erroneous) assumption that racism, for example, is becoming a cartoonish antiquity.  It’s easy for me to feel this way since I’ve always lived amongst a cloistered, Kumbaya, up-with-people, bed-wetting liberal tribe.  The last 18 months, however, have left me feeling more than a little embarrassed by my naivete.

When I first saw this Sharron I’m- a-Fucking-Lunatic Angle political ad, I was reflexively reminded of the infamous Jesse Helms Hands commercial.  And based on a cursory search of today’s headlines, I’m certainly not the only one.

First, let’s take a stroll down Amnesia Lane and watch Helms’ ad.

Whoa.  Nothin’ subtle about that.  If dumbassified conservative rednecks got the message, then the message can’t be coyly dismissed as a cynical misunderstanding.

Now let’s look at Sharron Did-I-mention-She’s-a-Fucking-Lunatic? Angle’s commercial.

(note:  the following video has been disabled due to a TOS violation.  It can be viewed at this link.)

Well, there ya have it.  Angle summonsed her inner-Dixiecrat and went with the ol’ reliable I hate them thar colored peope too! card.

Julia — my rad, honky, bilingual, dotcom-workin’, keepin’-it-real-in-da-West-Seattle-‘hood  friend — sent this entertaining article to me.  The author does a good job summarizing our state of affairs.  The author points out that ethnic minorities currently under relentless assault by good God-fearing, patriotic, Reich-Wing Americans include African-Americans, Mexicans and Muslims, either directly or indirectly by going after organizations, projects or policies that support them.

Racism is not only alive and well in America, it seems to be in the DNA of vast swaths of our population.

This dude gives an intolerant, unapologetic shove off the poopdeck to every Republican and unaffiliated conservative.  Sorry, red-staters, but I’m hateful and paint with broad strokes, too.  And what I lack in guns and ammo, I make up for with a keyboard and dictionary.  Your move, Cleetus.