Dead-Eye Dick

Biggus Dickus photographed in his natural state of being

As Halloween approaches, this seems like a good time to talk about Dick Cheney.

You surely recall five years ago when Dead-Eye Dick Cheney shot his hunting partner in the face.  It was said at the time that The Dick was good friends with his victim – er, hunting partner – and he did not shoot the man, in fact, because he’s a lawyer.  We were told it was an accident that could happen to anyone, they were good friends, and Cheney was sincerely sorry and contrite for the tragic accident.  Besides, we were told, the injuries were quite minor.

It turns out, surprising no one, that the Cheney White House was lying.  Shocking, I know.  Apparently Dick’s prey, Harry Wittington, barely knew Cheney, never received an apology, almost died from the incident, and talks with a speech impediment due to the lead shot that crushed his larynx.

Unfortunately Dead Eye Dick received five deferments from the Vietnam War because, according to him, he “had other priorities in the 60’s than military service.”  Had the war-hawk Cheney discovered his patriotism and sense of duty at that time, perhaps he would have learned how to properly use a firearm and not assaulted his buddy with a deadly weapon.

In perhaps the most bizarre combination and perversion of victim-blaming and Stockholm Syndrome seen since Auschwitz, Whittington actually apologized – apologized!! – to Dear Dick for recklessly putting his face in front of Cheney’s shotgun.  According to the article I linked, “After the shooting, Whittington issued a statement saying he and his family were ‘deeply sorry’ for ‘all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through.’”

I nominate this for the What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?! Award of the year.  I’m curious if Whittingham also apologized to the tragically misunderstood and victimized Senator Larry Craig, too.  “Larry, I’m totally sorry I put my ass in front of your johnson when you had that wide stance in the bathroom stall.  It’s my fault for bending over and I apologize for all the trouble I caused you.  I had no idea Bible-thumping, homophobic senators aren’t supposed to sodomize other guys.  It’s my fault for letting you pound me in the ass.”

But I digress.  Let’s get back to Dickles McShootYouInTheFace.

Since magnanimous Patriot Dick was too busy sending our soldiers to the Middle East to apologize to Whittington, I’ve constructed the dialogue that would have happened had Cheney not been so darn busy loving America.

(Cheney calls Harry from his bunker in an undisclosed location): “Hello?  Harry?  Uh, hey, it’s Dick.  What?  No, not asshole.  It’s Dick.  So, uh, yeah, hey dude.  I just wanted to say I’m sorry I shot you in the face.  It’s just that you have a really small head and I thought you were a pheasant.  And I’m, like, really old and I drink a lot.  No hard feelings, ok?  I’d appreciate it if you keep quiet about this and take one for the team.  We’re fighting for our freedom, ya know, and we can’t be distracted by this while we try to kill Muslims.  Thanks a bunch, buddy.”

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