The Mafia Needs A Publicist

the kinder, gentler, more loveable mafia

The mafia resurfaced in the news recently when 119 Northeast mobsters were arrested in the biggest organized crime bust of all-time. What I found most surprising about this is that, apparently, La Cosa Nostra still exists. Who knew?

The second most surprising part of this — and certainly the most entertaining — is the names of the organized thugs. Perhaps I’m just an old-school purist here, but I want my mafiosos to have names that inspire intimidation. I want names that conjure images of glocks, broken kneecaps and seriously cheesy bling.

Names are important. How is a kid supposed to dream of one day becoming a Gambino Capo if his heroes sound like the affable but underachieving sandwich maker at Subway?

Here are some of the names of our modern-day Godfathers:

  • Vinny Carwash
  • Junior Lollipops
  • Lumpy
  • Johnny Pizza
  • Marbles
  • The Professor
  • Tony Bagels
  • Baby Fat Larry
  • Meatball

Ugh. I feel so disappointed.

Good luck at Rikers Island, Tony Snigglefritz.

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