Dumbest Holiday Of The Year

February 14, 2011

Seriously. Who hasn't been here?!

Here it is: another contrived, consumerist holiday that no one seems to like yet to which everyone falls victim in one way or another.

Valentine’s Day appeals to only one relatively small subset of the population: single dudes. Valentine’s Day used to be my favorite night of the year to go drinking. The bars were full of drunk women who were feeling sorry for themselves all day. It was like fishing with dynamite.

But in years in which I was not single, the day was awful. It’s a day when society forces you to spend money and time doing something that any not-asshole would do regularly throughout the year. And it’s not like you could make a principled objection even if your significant other was of like mind. If, for example, you ignored Valentine’s Day, your girlfriend would be subjected to the humiliation of telling her co-workers that her boyfriend ignored her.

Valentine’s Day is a day of forethought and decisions for dudes. It’s easy if you’re in a committed relationship of some sort, but it gets dicey if you’re not. What do you do when you’ve been dating a girl for only a few weeks? Your actions on the dreaded V Day will define your course henceforth. Gifts or dinner plans implies serious interest at least, and a relationship at worst. I’ve had more than a few dating ‘relationships’ end due to my determined inaction on Valentine’s Day. Just as action has implications, inaction makes a pretty bold statement, too.

On Valentine’s Day, single girls are told by society that it is not acceptable to live alone in a one-bedroom apartment with her cat. And, of course, it’s somewhat misogynistic in that it implies that women are dainty, passive ornaments who only receive in accordance to the whims of their patriarchs.

And who can’t identify with the anxiety of Valentine’s Day celebrations in elementary school where you’re either forced by your parents/teachers to give valentines to people who make your skin crawl or getting shut-out by the kid whose parents didn’t have the same compassion and foresight as yours? It’s a shit pie any way you look at it.

People like me enjoy blaming Valentine’s Day on big, evil companies like Hallmark. It’s neither accurate nor fair, but it’s fun and convenient nonetheless. The history of St. Valentine’s Day, however, tells a different story. According to wikipedia — which we all know is always reliable —  V-Day was established by Pope Gelasius I in 496 A.D. (for those of you who are Latin-challenged, A.D. does NOT mean ‘after death’ as my former students seemed to think. It means Anno Domini, translated the year of our lord.)

Stepping outside our ethnocentric worlds, it appears some cultures have more wisdom than our own. In some Muslim countries, for example, Valentine’s Day is either banned or discouraged by the state. This includes Saudi Arabia, Iran, Pakistan and Malaysia. Sure, you think Jihadist, I think brilliance. Well done, Mr. Mujahideen. Well done!


The Mafia Needs A Publicist

January 25, 2011

the kinder, gentler, more loveable mafia

The mafia resurfaced in the news recently when 119 Northeast mobsters were arrested in the biggest organized crime bust of all-time. What I found most surprising about this is that, apparently, La Cosa Nostra still exists. Who knew?

The second most surprising part of this — and certainly the most entertaining — is the names of the organized thugs. Perhaps I’m just an old-school purist here, but I want my mafiosos to have names that inspire intimidation. I want names that conjure images of glocks, broken kneecaps and seriously cheesy bling.

Names are important. How is a kid supposed to dream of one day becoming a Gambino Capo if his heroes sound like the affable but underachieving sandwich maker at Subway?

Here are some of the names of our modern-day Godfathers:

  • Vinny Carwash
  • Junior Lollipops
  • Lumpy
  • Johnny Pizza
  • Marbles
  • The Professor
  • Tony Bagels
  • Baby Fat Larry
  • Meatball

Ugh. I feel so disappointed.

Good luck at Rikers Island, Tony Snigglefritz.

Face Stretching and Men Who Look Like Women

January 21, 2011

First, I’m highly skeptical that the woman in this advertisement is actually a woman. Secondly, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that ‘her’ face stretching exercise is not-so-subtly suggestive.

But whatever. I just think the ad is really funny. It’s not quite shake weight quality, but it’s worthy of a gander.

Slate.com says of the BodyFlex exercise advertisement:

“First, she instructs, make an “O” shape with your mouth, then drop it down so you’re stretching the top half of your face. Next, stick out your tongue. With your “O” mouth down and your tongue extended, look up to the sky and hold your breath. (Childers exhales and inhales as if she is sucking in the last bit of oxygen on Earth.)”

Check your local ordinances before exercising your face. It may be illegal to perform the BodyFlex stretch within 300 yards of a school.

A #16 and Scorpion Bowl … American Style

January 19, 2011

no cats died in the preparation of this meal

The White House is hosting an official state dinner tonight for Chinese president Hu Jintao. According to the AP:

“More than 200 guests will dine on a main course of dry-aged rib eye steak with buttermilk crisp onions, double stuffed potatoes and creamed spinach.

There’s a first course of pear salad and a second course of poached Maine lobster with orange-glazed carrots and black trumpet mushrooms.”

Funny, my chef made this same thing tonight.


Seamen and Semen

January 18, 2011

Sometimes homophones are fun.

Here’s a website for women looking to drop anchor on a boat captain and, er, sail through life as his first mate.

POIS sufferer; needs a sea captain

“Sea Captain Date is the only place for Sea Captains to connect with men and women who share a love of the ocean. With thousands of Captains already online, SeaCaptainDate.com is the destination for romance on the seven seas!”

And here we have an article explaining a horrific condition: men who are allergic to their own semen.

“There’s a mysterious phenomenon in which some men, immediately after having an orgasm, come down with a flu-like illness. Now Dutch scientists are saying these men may be allergic to their own semen … The condition is known as post-orgasmic illness sydrome, or POIS.”

We used to have a name for men who get sick after having sex with women: gay.



The Curious Case of the Fox and the Dipshit

January 18, 2011

he gunna git him some redneck fer dinner

A hunter in Belarus was recently shot by … a fox. Not a hot chick. I’m talking about the small, omnivorous mammal type of fox.

Apparently the hunter wounded the fox and then tried to bludgeon it to death with the butt of his rifle. The wily fox managed to pull the trigger on the hunter’s rifle, shooting him in the leg before escaping.

According to AOL News, this isn’t the first time an animal has shot a person. In 2005 a Michigan state trooper was shot with his 9mm handgun by his cat. In 2007 an Iowa man was shot with over 100 shotgun pellets by his dog, and in 2010 a California man was shot in the back by his Labrador Retriever while duck hunting.

I can understand the cat shooting. In fact, I expect that from a cat. But I’m a little surprised by the dogs since they’re so forgiving and guileless.

All of this proves the NRA correct: Guns don’t kill people; foxes and house pets kill people.

I have a strange feeling that I’ve seen these incidents in a Far Side cartoon before.

Sarah Palin Gets a Battle Hymn

January 17, 2011

If you’re stupid and hate the right people, you too can be honored with a battle hymn of your own.

What I like best about Palinistas is that they’re too dumb to know when they should be embarrassed. It creates and perpetuates a very enjoyable cycle.