The Mafia Needs A Publicist

January 25, 2011

the kinder, gentler, more loveable mafia

The mafia resurfaced in the news recently when 119 Northeast mobsters were arrested in the biggest organized crime bust of all-time. What I found most surprising about this is that, apparently, La Cosa Nostra still exists. Who knew?

The second most surprising part of this — and certainly the most entertaining — is the names of the organized thugs. Perhaps I’m just an old-school purist here, but I want my mafiosos to have names that inspire intimidation. I want names that conjure images of glocks, broken kneecaps and seriously cheesy bling.

Names are important. How is a kid supposed to dream of one day becoming a Gambino Capo if his heroes sound like the affable but underachieving sandwich maker at Subway?

Here are some of the names of our modern-day Godfathers:

  • Vinny Carwash
  • Junior Lollipops
  • Lumpy
  • Johnny Pizza
  • Marbles
  • The Professor
  • Tony Bagels
  • Baby Fat Larry
  • Meatball

Ugh. I feel so disappointed.

Good luck at Rikers Island, Tony Snigglefritz.