The mafia resurfaced in the news recently when 119 Northeast mobsters were arrested in the biggest organized crime bust of all-time. What I found most surprising about this is that, apparently, La Cosa Nostra still exists. Who knew?
The second most surprising part of this — and certainly the most entertaining — is the names of the organized thugs. Perhaps I’m just an old-school purist here, but I want my mafiosos to have names that inspire intimidation. I want names that conjure images of glocks, broken kneecaps and seriously cheesy bling.
Names are important. How is a kid supposed to dream of one day becoming a Gambino Capo if his heroes sound like the affable but underachieving sandwich maker at Subway?
Here are some of the names of our modern-day Godfathers:
- Vinny Carwash
- Junior Lollipops
- Johnny Pizza
- The Professor
- Tony Bagels
- Baby Fat Larry
Ugh. I feel so disappointed.
Good luck at Rikers Island, Tony Snigglefritz.